INTERGALACTIC CHUPACAVROS AND HIS FUKLEKS: LENTILS, BLOOD AND POWER

Chupacavros. Source: MAGOP.

By Gundhramns Hammer & Henri Cagnengues
November 27, 2014
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No meaty species is ever perfect. 

Sooner or later they are bound to eat shit on Earth.
Gundhramns Hammer

Daleks (Fig. 1) are not supposed to eat anything at all. This is what Dr. Who had known all along. But the Universe is vast, full of surprises and with many unexplored corners for the time lords.

Figure 1. Daleks: ET race of cyborgs. Source: Wikipedia.

Dr. Who knew only this kind of daleks. The ones that he had yet to meet and fight on a future adventure were more vicious and dangerous for any species made of organic meat. 

In fact, these cyborgs were strictly carnivorous. They ate nothing but blood and meat juices prepared in the labs.  

Because of this, they have also become specialised in trade. They were the intergalactic chupacabras.

The ancient ET race led by Chupacavros that constructed these killing machines had failed at their first attempt when making these cyborgs. 

Something went wrong with the programming which in the end proved to be quite a success.

This first generation of cyborgs - a hybrid of an alien creature and a fuckitronic machine - that came out of the Chupacavros´ laboratory, a mega-structure stuck in a huge crater on planet Fukia, were a bunch of wackos and morons. 

They talked and repeated incessantly a lot of shit:

• Pain and meat diet! Pain and meat diet! Pain and meat diet! Fuck with lentils! Fuck with lentils! Fuck with lentils! We want blood and power! We want blood and power! We want blood and power!

Like father like son. Chupacavros smiled when he saw that his new cyborgs were good. They look sort of like him but more on the evil side. 

Chupacavros baptised his new charming mechanical babies with a special name: Fukleks (Fig. 1).

FIgure 1. Chupacavros´ new babies. Source: deviantart.

Despite being capable of constructing ingenious robotic machines, Chupacavros was otherwise a fucking moron who only wanted to drink bloodshakes and gobble up on barbecued meat. 

He hated lentils (Fig. 2), those seeds he had tried once on his first visit to the planet Earth. 

Figure 2. Types of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Wikipedia.

Although Chupacavros was an excellent geneticist, otherwise he was a fucking lousy ET scientitist. 

He never bother to find out the nutritional value of lentils (Tables 1-8), the seeds that many centuries later we would know by the fancy scientific name of  Lens culinaris.

Table 1. Comparison of the nutritional value of meats and lentils. Constructed by authors based on data from Gebhardt & Thomas (2002) and Zia-Ul-Haq et al. (2011).

Food item	Portion	Protein (g)
Meats
Beef, cooked	3 oz	23
Lamb, cooked	3 oz	26
Pork, fresh, cooked	3 oz	24
Veal, lean, cooked	3 oz	31
Chicken, meat only	3 oz	25
Duck, meat only	3 oz	24
Turkey, dark meat only	3 oz	24
Turkey, light meat only	3 oz	25
Pulses
Lentils, dry	1 cup	18
Lentils, crude protein	100 g of seeds	28-30
Soups
Beef, vegetable	1 cup	6
Chicken, rice	1 cup	4
Lentils, soup	1 cup	8

1 oz = 16 g

Table 2. Essential amino acid composition of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 3. Non-essential amino acid composition of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 4. Free non-protein amino acids and trigonelline in lentils (Lens culinaris) (mg-100 g DM). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 5. Fatty acid composition of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 6. carbohydrate composition of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 7. Mineral composition of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

Table 8. Vitamin content of lentils (Lens culinaris). Source: Urbano et al. (2007). Bibliography as per authors.

But to Chupacavros´ advantage, Earth has plenty of natural resources to choose from when it came to supper time. It is rich in biodiversity.

Being a intergalactic chupacabra, Dr. Chupacavros did not like any Earth´s legumes or vegetables at all but he really got fucking hooked on fresh blood and meat from the teeming fauna on this still unexplored planet.

Whilst on Earth, it occurred to Chupacavros to build a biological machine using the genetic material already available around. 

That was a simple matter in a planet with so many critters going around. He went after the most chupacavroid looking ones.

He did not have to go that far for his prey. The forest nearest the ET camp was a real wild zoo. He hunted a couple of good sized chimps that were busy fucking and making funny squeaking and huffing and puffing noises at the foot of a giant tree. He brought the pieces immediately to his lab. 

After a week of hard work, his first genetic attempt was a total mess. 

He produced all kinds of monsters that he decided to let loose in different parts of the planet to see what would be the result of this new invasive species on the local fauna. 

Chupacavros was also interested in moronic ecology.

Finally one day he hit eureka. He succeded in his genetic experiments. This time he had mixed fuklek genes, monkey genes and a small dosis of his own chupacabra DNA. 

As before, Dr. Chupacavros smiled whilst standing before his creation but this time his smile lasted longer because he knew immediately he had created the perfect asshole - later known as man - to watch and trample over his flocks on planet Earth, a blue planet he was fond of and called dearly ETarchg.

The funny thing is that this alien´s creation was as blood thirsty as its creator, Dr. Chupacavros. 

Again, like father like son.

His primatiform creature, the talking monkey that Chupacavros named mahnfuk, an almost perfect programmable biological machine (i.e., man), was also fucking crazy for fresh blood and meat (Video 1), a habit that as time went by it would be a source of headache for its own survival on a planet of limited resources:

Warning! Graphic images!

Video 1. Camel´s hell in the hands of fallen angels.

Chupacavros soon realised he had struck gold with this new species of farty and full of shit monkey, as he later found out based upon of a couple of dissections.

Originally, he had produced 10 pairs of this mahnfuk monkeys and turned them loose in the wild hoping they would adap quickly and get busy making more of their own kind. 

Behold! Amazingly they did!! They were programmed to do so!!

These naked monkeys did not waste any time when it came to making more DNA (Video 1). They fuck all the time. In a few years there were plenty of these talking monkeys ready to harvest.

 Video 1. DNA making more DNA.

To find out about the quality of this monkey´s meat, Chupacavros hunted a couple of mahnfuks and had them roasted for him. 

To his own surprise, he loved the taste of mahnfuk meat. 

Chupacavros said these talking monkeys were juicy and sweet.He then knew he was on the right track to be the richest jerk in his galactic block.

Years went by and the alien colony had grown bigger, with fuklek missions going in and out of the blue planet year round. The ETs had made sure to have enough slaughterhouses ready to be used on demand.

So, Chupacavros decided that it was party time. 

He went out on a big safari with a large army of fukleks to bring down as many manhfuks and other kind of fauna as possible.

He had figured out that from his first shipment of freshly harvested blood and meat from Etarchg delivered by his fukleks, he would make another killing, enough money to set up more labs on this new planet.

Chupacavros meant business on his new planetary farm.

A farm that many thousand years later after Chupacavros had left to the stars to establish new meat farms would become one day the nest of the biggest predator this planet had ever seen, man, a degenerated monkey whose ancient name had been mahnfuk. A fancy name that in Chupacavros´ language meant "shithead".

Mahnfuk... Man... the monkey that now is determined to fuck his own fucking nest. 

This monkey´s curiosity has helped him a lot to make it into a real smart aleck. A short-sighted creature busy carrying out his own experiment of back-fucking engineering to himself, its terran companions and its nest.

But this is still in the future. For now, the ETs are happy to sink their teeth or make juice oiut of Terran. 

As far as aliens safaries, fukleks still hunt for mahnfuks by the thousands.

Twice a month, fukleks come to Earth and load up their spaceship with fresh meat to satisfy other ET exotic tastes in other star systems millions of light years aways from this planet. They already have the wormy technology to travel such distances in a jiff.

The missing earthlings, especially the thousands of manhfuks offspring vanished from the surface of the Earth, become the pieces of meat to be cooked in the ET kitchens in other star systems.

They say that Chupacavros is older now and full of colon cancer from eating to much meat on Earth. His ET colon is rotten (Fig. 3). Colon cancer is chupacabring him.

Figure 3. Colorectal cancer. Source: Giorgios & Bampali (2013).

Once in a while Chupacavros still enjoys a mahnfuk´s leg cooked by his favourite fuklek chef.

Future plans have already been made by Chupacavros. His earthling farm will be inherited by his children. 

His children will have to deal with the millions of mahnfuks on Earth that are making a mess of the the ET´s biggest farm in the galaxy.

Anyway, these ET kids will also get a huge army of fukleks with the inheritance package, enough for the intergalactic trade of Earth´s mahnfuk meat to last at least another thousand years, if things go the right way.

If Chupacavros´s offspring ever run out of mahnfuk meat, no problem. There are plenty of species of monkeys on this planet to play with their DNA.

Of course, that is assuming that there are any left, for mahnfuk is fucking up Earth way too fast.

Intergalactic chupacabring is a profitable business but it is also a risky one.  

Chupacavros never thought that his Earth´s fucking and talking monkeys would have a population explosion, something that is now out of hand. Nearly 7 billion heads of human cattle and still growing. The mahnfuk have proved to be extremely fuckative!

Soon these monkeys (Homo insapiens), Chupacavros´ source of juicy pieces of meat, will have to change their diet, leaving blood and meat (Fig. 4) behind and turn to lentils and rice forced under the pressures of the planet´s unbeating ecological forces. No one fucks with Mother Nature.

Figure 4. A man´s giant beefsteak. Source: Points in Case.

No meaty species is ever perfect. Sooner or later they are bound to eat shit on Earth.

When Chupacavros made these fucking smart aleck and parroty monkeys, now known as "humans" (Homo insapiens), he was only thinking of selling more mahnfuk meat in the intergalactic markets.

After all, he was only an amateur moronic ecologist. He didn´t know jack about earthling´s ecology, which was a totally different thing from the one he knew on his native planet Fukia.

Chupacavros was not perfect. He was only another piece of galactic shit.


Message from the stars

Folks, stick to the lentils if you want to be healthy! 

We do!

 

See you later alligators! 

Source: Jessica´s Health Blog.

References

Cancedda A., Day L., Dimitrova D. & Gosset M. (2013). Missing Children in the European Union: Mapping, Data Collection and Statistics. ECORYS for the European Commission, Rotterdam, The Netherlands. 110 p.

Gebhardt S.E. & Thomas R.G. (2002). Nutritive Value of Foods. United States Department of Agriculture, Agricultural Research Service, Home and Garden Bull. 72: 1-97.

Giorgios K.S. & Bampali A.D. (2013). Colorectal Cancer. Chapter 1. In: Pp. 1-24, Colonoscopy and Colorectal Cancer Screening: Future Directions, Bustamante M. (Ed.), Intech, Rijeka, Croatia. 274 p.

Urbano G., Porres J.M., Frías J. & Vidal-Valverde C. (2007). Nutritional Value. Chapter 5. In: Pp. 47-93, Lentil: An Ancient Crop for Modern Times, Yadav S.S., McNeil D. & Stevenson P.C. (Eds.), Springer, Dordrecht, The Netherlands. 461 p.

Zia-Ul-Haq M., Ahmad S., Aslam Shad M., Iqbal S., Qayum M., Ahmad A., Luthria D.L. & Amarowics (2011). Compositional studies of Lentil (Lens culinaris Medik.) Cultivars Commonly Grown in Pakistan. Pak. J. Bot., 43 (3): 1563-1567.  

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